My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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