Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
