i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
