Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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