WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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