I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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