Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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