omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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