i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
