So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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