my phone needs a breathalizer
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
