anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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