She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Rumble strips road head = magical
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
