I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
