The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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