He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
