this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
