I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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