Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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