You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
