I got chris browned last night
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
