Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
