I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
