I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Drunk is not a location!
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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