I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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