The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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