Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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