Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
