I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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