And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
