he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize