I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
