i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize
