The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
