i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
