I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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