Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
