You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Randomize
