The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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