dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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