Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
