I hate your face
I'm going to jail i love you
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
