so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
