life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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