I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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