i permit you to call me
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
