Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
