take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
