I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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