I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
