You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
