He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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