apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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