my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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