so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
