So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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