Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
