Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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