Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
