He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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