alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
