Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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